I spent the spring of 1991 studying in Israel, at large Chabad yeshiva in out-of-the-way Kiryat Gat in Israel’s south. While planning this trip, I wrote to the Rebbe, asked his blessing. Back then, we’d first write out a long letter articulating all our thoughts and points, and slowly and gradually wittle that away, distilling the letter to its key core components. I got this letter down to four lines.
I was part of a solid group of guys in a Crown Heights yeshiva. We were motivated, we were close, we would study a lot, and farbreng a lot with each other. I worried that my learning and spiritual striving wasn’t coming from within, and wondered how I’d fare if I was off on my own. To test this theory and prove myself, I chose a faraway yeshiva in Israel that had few American students. And I shared this yeshiva-student fantasy concern with the Rebbe on the third line of my letter. Later, I asked Rabbi Groner for the Rebbe’s response. He said the Rebbe underlined all lines of the letter and gave his blessing, but didn’t underline that third line. My understanding is that the Rebbe didn’t buy that. Indeed, I felt incredibly alone, and while I was successful in learning etc there, I really missed my beloved close friends during my time in Israel. Once, a close friend of mine came to visit (he was studying that spring in a yeshiva in northern Israel), and we closed ourselves in a room, a closet of sorts and farbrenged for nearly an entire day!
But that’s not the point of my “Parshas Pinchas” story. I left for Israel after Passover, at the start of the month of Iyar, a few days after the 28th of Nissan, 1991.
28th of Nissan 1991 was a very significant date in Chabad. That night the Rebbe delivered a sharp and painful talk that all his efforts to hasten the coming of Moshiach had been for naught (heaven forbid) and Chassidim were comfortable and complacent and not doing enough in pleading with G-d for the ultimate redemption. It was a turning point in the Rebbe’s talks, which had always included prayers for Moshiach or teachings about redemption, but it now took on added urgency and was the focal point of much of the Rebbe’s farbrengens that followed.
And I was off to Israel. Each week the Rebbe would farbreng on Shabbos and on Sundays we’d get a short synopsis of the Rebbe’s farbrengen faxed to Israel and by Wednesday or Thursday we’d get the full edited version of the farbrengens. Each week the momentum seemed to build. The Rebbe was speaking more and more about Moshiach, with richer teachings and deeper meanings – and I felt left out in Israel. I felt FOMO. I wondered, what was I doing all the way in Kiryat Gat Israel when I could be in NY at the Rebbe’s farbrengens, hearing all this first hand…
Now, many of you may not understand my feelings at all. If I was truly excited about the prospect of Moshiach coming, wouldn’t Israel be a front seat? Yes, that’s true, but I really yearned to be with the Rebbe in New York. I felt out of my element, out of place in Israel. I wanted to go back to the Rebbe, back to Brooklyn. Any Chabad student of my time (or another) would understand this.
I went to speak with the mashpiya (spiritual mentor) of the Yeshiva, Rabbi Zushe Alperowitz. He was American-born and raised, he was very much in tune with the Rebbe’s teachings. I thought he’d understand. He took me for a walk around the yeshiva, it seemed to be a very large block, or maybe we circled a couple of times. At any rate, he spoke to me for a long time about the Chassidic concept of a “Pnimi”. A Pnimi is someone who is internally motivated and inward driven and powered. The opposite would be a Chitzon, someone who is primarily motivated by external factors. Chabad highly lauds Pnimi and frowns on Chitzon. In fact, Chitzon is one of the worst things you can say about a person in Chabad.
He told me a story: Once the Rebbe Rashab was about to say a Chassidic discourse. His teachings were phenomenal. Of all the Rebbes of Chabad, his texts are the ones most studied as advanced Chassidic texts. The custom is that before a Rebbe (or even a Chassid) would formally (not in the course of study) present the discourse, there would be a reflective melody. It would set the tone, it would help prepare oneself. The Chassidim were very eager for the discourse, and so they rushed the introductory reflective melody. The Rebbe stopped them by saying: A Pnimi whatever he’s doing is in it 100%. Even if it is only a preparation for something else, you do that thing with everything you got.
And Rabbi Alperowitz’s message to me was: Don’t get caught up with hype. Don’t wish you were somewhere else. FOMO is for a Chitzon, not for a Pnimi. The Rebbe gave you his blessing to study here this summer, give it all you got, and be here 100% with full mindfulness.
I said yeh, yeh, yeh. And then I went to speak to Ozer Alperowitz, same last name but not related, who was an established and well-known travel agent. In those days there was no online ticket sales, everything went through a travel agency. I asked him how much it would be to change my return ticket. He said, based on the type of ticket I had, it would be around $300. I was very money-conscious at the time (still am but maybe not as bad) and while it was a lot of money, I thought it was the right thing to do.
I spoke to Rabbi Alperowitz on Wednesday and to Ozer the travel agent on Thursday. Then came Shabbos and on Sunday we got the synopsis of the Rebbe’s farbrengen that Shabbos. Now I must say that generally speaking, the Rebbe wouldn’t tell many stories. His farbrengens were mostly teachings and insights and learning and inspiration but not much in the way of stories. His father-in-law, the Previous Rebbe was all about stories, and told many stories at every opportunity, but our Rebbe had a different style. And as the years went on, the Rebbe told even fewer stories. At the farbrengens I grew up with, stories told by the Rebbe were rare and special occurrences.
Guess what? That Shabbos, Parshas Pinchas, the Rebbe told that very story! The story of the rushed Nigun, and the difference between a Pnimi and a Chitzon. I was floored. I got the message. Even if not directly intended for me, I certainly took it that way. Later we got the full edited version of the farbrengen and the whole theme was: Even with the urgency about Moshiach, you have to be 100% into what you are doing now.
The Rebbe said then (I seem to remember this was connected but it might have been at a different time?) that the Mishkan tabernacle was taken apart and put back together each time the Jews traveled. Once they were in a place for only one day, yet they still went through the whole effort of building the Mishkan even just for one day. And the Rebbe spoke much more on the same theme.
So I happily stayed in Israel, studied and traveled, enjoyed and internalized the experience and came back to New York before Rosh Hashanah.
Here’s a postscript to the story. Around 2011 or so, we were in New York for the Chabad convention. That weekend there was a L’chaim engagement party for one of Raizy’s second cousins. So I stopped in to wish Mazal Tov. I happened to see there Rabbi Alperowitz from Kiryat Gat farbrenging. He looked at me, and said, “Rubin?” I said yes, a little impressed that he remembered a student from twenty years earlier who was only in his yeshiva for six months. Then he said, “Nun-Alef?” (Hebrew year 5751 – equivalent of 1991) Wow, I was floored, how could he remember exactly which year I was there. I asked him how he could remember that.
He answered with two words: “Parshas Pinchas”. For the Rebbe had validated him, it was something he (nor I) would ever forget.
What’s the message? Why am I sharing this personal story?
Often we find ourselves in between jobs or in between places. Summer can be neither here nor there. Maybe we’re waiting for a semester to finish so we can move on. You know what I’m talking about. The Rebbe’s message (even as he urged and thundered about Moshiach, the ultimate Jewish “tomorrow”) is that we have to invest and give of ourselves 100% to whatever situation we are in right now. Don’t let thoughts and dreams of the future (even a marvelous future) cloud your vision and inhibit the potential of what we can accomplish right here. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing – be there and give it 100%!