As a campus rabbi I’m not often asked to officiate at funerals but a local close family friend who helped us build Shabbos House asked me to officiate this week at the funeral of his mother-in-law, who passed away suddenly this week in a car accident, close to age 95. Being that I didn’t know her personally, Raizy and I went over to their home to speak to the late woman’s daughter and son and learn more about her.
It so happened that the son was preoccupied on the phone, so he went off into a different room while we first met with the daughter.
“How would you describe your mother?” we asked. “Kindness!” said the daughter. She was all about kindness. She was easy, pleasant, never gossiped, didn’t complain, only kindness – said the daughter.
“Did she have hobbies or interests?” we asked. “She loved to read. She read 24/7. Back in Russia she was a Russian language and literature teacher, and here in America all she did was read and read.”
“And she liked to bake,” said the daughter. She went on to describe these unforgettable incredibly delicious rolls with poppy seeds that her mother would bake for special occasions.
A little while later, the brother, the late woman’s son, came into the room. He had finished his call.
So we asked him the same questions. And we got the very same answers, almost to a word! Kindness was the first descriptive term he used, he spoke about her constant reading and being surrounded by books. And he not only mentioned her baking, but those rolls – down to the poppy seeds.
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Look, I understand that some people have more complex lives and others have simpler lives. It may be easier to sum up and highlight some people more than others. Especially with today’s many degrees of complexity and many layers of so many aspects of life.
But there is a message here. There’s something very beautiful to be known unequivocally by others by certain strong specific characteristics.
The Talmud calls this “Zahir Tefei”. The Talmud asks: What was a specific mitzvah that your father shone in? What was he especially devoted to? Where did he shine best?
Of course, we should try to excel in many things, and be different things to different people, but there are surely certain areas where we are at our best, where we do our utmost. Hopefully we all have areas in which we shine to the extent that others see and know us that way.